| there's a silver lining |
[Wednesday
February 28th, 2007 ] |
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this house is not for sale- ryan adams |
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in every cloud.
if there's one lesson i've learned this far into 2007- it's that and i think bo can agree with me on that. together we've been through some crazy times but nothing quite like what we've been going through lately and will continue to go through for a few more weeks, but it has done nothing but make grow closer together than i thought we ever could be. it's fixed gigantic fissures in both of our hearts and mended wounds i didn't think could heal. the last few months have caused us to speed up the relationship process a bit and realize exactly how special what we have is and how beautiful it can be when circumstances are ideal. what we have is something most people never find- a true confidant and compananion to confide everything in no matter how trivial. someone that i can talk to about everything and have them be honest and tell me exactly what they feel we should do or i should do or he should do... and to be able to talk about major things just as easy as little things and not be afraid to fight and bicker over both small and large things. we have a strong relationship that will be hard to crack after this stint of time we've gone through and everything we;ve been here for together. i thank the stars everyday that i have him to fall on when i need to fall, to dance with when dancing is needed, to lose myself in when i need to feel a little lost, and mostly to be myself with. we've both grown so much together and separately and realized a lot has to be sacrficed both small and large in relationships and people change with the relationship, and when i can change my name to kristen marie ballard- ill be the luckiest and happiest girl.
now aside from that. everything else is pretty fucking bad, im failing school cause of health reasons, i dont get any hours at work so i need a new job, and i need a new car but i need something cheap and doenst need much work, ive gained a lot of weight back and well- im just not happy aside from the fact i have someone to hold my head up when i can't even begin to hold my eyes up. without him- id be a mess and a waste. hes my salavation as of late. and im so happy its morphed into something so real and so intense.
here's what we did
yes. its a puzzle piece. yes its there forever, yes we're retarded. thank you. we know this.
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| the word ; undone |
[Monday
January 29th, 2007 ] |
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rufus wainwright- the tower of learning |
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have you made a decision before the situation presented itself? but when the situation inevitably happened, that decision you made months or years prior seems like something that could never be the right decision to make and live without any sort of "baggage" from the said decision. this is the first time its happened to me and i cant help but feel empty for whatever reason cause every answer is the wrong answer, and thats the worse part.
timing was never my strong point.
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[Tuesday
December 26th, 2006 ] |
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haha. cursive. |
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i was gonna post pictures but got lazy.
this month has been a fucking awful month on EVERY front. however did i alright in school. so that much is alright i guess. and things with bo are looking brighter again- i just hope they stay this way cause i hate when were bad... its not how its supposed to be at all.
i just hate how everytime i feel like im starting to look forward to getting a step ahead- something incredible happens and knocks me on my face again. im back to -10 steps. i just want to give up at this point... i hate having to depend on people for things. and im back to relying completely on others. i hate this.
also- im not looking forward to finding a new roommate in the summer cause its gonna be fucking hard to find someone. it makes me ill thinking about it.
im goin to bed.
kmh <3 jbb.
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[Thursday
November 16th, 2006 ] |
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so from now on im making my journal friends only- im tired of drama from people who too ignorant to say who they are and who try to feed my amazing boyfriends lies. i know i should leave this alone but im tired of these people(thank yo bo i really appreciate how paciive you are)he knows about everything... ive told him about EVERYTHING from my past- he knows how i treated my past two boyfriends. and hes not like them in the slightest. if andy hadnt emotionally and physically abused me- maybe things wouldnt have turned out so bad (i can assure you that i never loved him at 15 years old. what 15 year as even the slightest incling what love for the opposite sex is at that time- aside from infatuation?) maybe everyone hadn't pushed me to force me into staying with in a relationship i desperately wanted out of for over a year just cause "that's how it's done kristen. you get pregnant have the baby and stay with him." i have news, in the REAL world- not st. alnans west virginia maybe- but the real world- it's not like that.
and then philip was really i guess just me wanting out. and i used him i guess to get out of the situation and i thought i was happy but by the time i realized i wasnt- it was too late and i had nothing left and had to deal with not being happy with him and after 6 months of true unhappiness i started to... cheat on him for another 6 months almost. it was fucked up. im awful blah blah blah. but i did what i did- and i dont feel too bad about most of it. i never said i hated him- i didnt until the marleys incident.
and to answer anything anyone may question about MY reproductive rights-- about MY body- about MY choices- rest assured to know that i will be getting an abortion for every pregnancy i have until im ready to have children and properly take care of them the way they need to be. something some people should maybe take into consideration before "doing the right thing." i love dylan with all my heart, but i cant take care of him now- i cant take care of myself. i didnt LEAVE dylan- i left him in a GOOD safe ENRICHED environment where hed be exposed to everything i never was. what the fuck is wrong with people who think that because you get pregnant it means having a child? it means throwing your life and the life of the child down the drain? and if you realize later that youre not the mother he deserves and decide that maybe- he deserves better so you let him stay in a place you KNOW hes loved and well taken care of- what makes you so terrible for that? given- i know i should have try and seen him more over the last year but things are close to impossible with schedules and stuff. im just tired of everyone telling me how awful i am- when im doing what i know is best for him and for mysef. stop trying to attack me for my choices in my life- im happy with them, dont try to discourage that. you wont succeed.
as for bo- he is completely different from any boy ive ever known. i dont have to lie about loving him- i couldnt- he would see right through me. i dont get disgusted by his touch- i actually start the kisses and touching. i LOVE when people see us together and know hes with me. it makes me proud. he doesnt belittle me or weasel his way into my heart. he loves me for me- not for how i look or for some reason in his head but because he sees life in me. and i love him because hes everything i wish i could be. i love james buchanan ballard- he knows this and i know this- it doesnt matter if you do.
and so after this- its friends only.
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[Sunday
November 12th, 2006 ] |
huntington + hurricanes + evan's broken thumb = a full night.
oh- and hooray for another just wonderful night/morning/afternoon with bo. een though sad stuff is going on... and hes prolly grounded for life- it was nice for that bond last night.
my back is killing me and i think its from ruccas floor + my computer desk. ew. i have a legal opiate though for it... i hope it doenst make me tired- too much work to do tonight.
HAHAHAHAHAHA chuck nash trully enriches my life. yay for eurotechno songs about warcraft 3. <3333
my heater is the broken. kristen is the cold.
more later. OWWWWIE.
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[Sunday
November 5th, 2006 ] |
ha- last night was fantastic.i thoroughly enjoyed myself. there were several high points of the evening. it should happen again sometime... not so soon from now though. just when its needed like it was last night. my favorite part would prolly be the moondance <3 ha i love my boyfriend and i love my friends. they make me happy.
i miss my rucca.
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| baby you say it in a way |
[Saturday
November 4th, 2006 ] |
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jem- wish i |
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bo met dylan tuesday. i think it went well and they seem to like each other which is a GOOD thing. it shows a lot of commitment on bo's part :)
i knwo i told him i wouldnt post "nagative" things on here anymore- but i have to post about last night to reinforce the fantastic day i had today.
last night was probably the single worse fight ive ever been into with a boyfriend (minus the times andy would attack me or pull me by my hair or aggitate me until i couldnt take it anymore and id flip out which dont coutn because at the point in time he wasnt my boyfriend just some fucktard who wouldnt get out of my life). to be honest im not really sure what started the fight but i know i sobbed and screamed and he sobbed and screamed (and my wall has another hole now). i know that sometimes im an asshole when im drunk but he hadnt ever witnessed kristen drunk i dont think and it was the first taste of kristen drunk hes ever had. that and he tends to think i dont show him any affection... i try but sometimes i dont really see or feel the need to be at his side the whole time. we can do our own things and tehn meet i nthe middle later at the party or whatever but i know i was out of hand and was mean and im sorry for that. but last night was awful and i had a panic attack again... i woke up to his mommy calling him to remind him he had class... and then...
everything was okay we talked and made ammends but im pretty sure i cant do that again... and were going to have to work on not getting like that. i think a lot of it is him and him being scared to really let his guard down completely which is understandable given my past and his past i can understand being scared but im not gonna hurt him or do anything to put a taint on what we have. but yeah...
we fixed our problems and just laid there holding each other and it lead to some of the sweetest time ive ever spent in someones arms. i love him- i do... and then the whole day was just... surreal and out of place. like it happened but it didnt seem like it was happening at all. after we got food we decided to just follow a random road and we came across an evergreen orchard place, a pond, a guy jogging up hill with the nipples cut out of his shirt (i have no idea wtf that was about but it was funny shit), a house that is in shambles but its PERFECT... theres a barn on te property and a rock formation on top of a hill and its situated in a valley with a creek and woods around it... and id LOVE to fix it up with him if things last that long. which i hope they do because it just fits perfect with us i think... on the way back we decided to get out of the car and walk down this access road to the pond where i found leaves and cattils and then we got out a second time and went down the mountain and found this grove of evergreens and its was just... amazing. ive never shared something so... right. it felt completely normal to do that and im so lucky to be able to have moments like that. and we came home and watched october sky and i took a 3 hour nap... and then we saw a CRAZY fucking movie at the film fesitival. it was insane.. just wow. i dont think i fully understood it at all. but i just had such a wonderful day and i knwo it wouldnt have happened without last night. but i really think that you cant have the good without the bad and that the fight had t ohappen for things to fall into place. i mean really- im never going to forget today and the just pure connection and ease we shared. it was something i could only have hoped before but there were so many signs today that pointed to this being where it should be and heading in a positive light- that last night was definitly supposed to happen so that today could happen. i love west virginia and its beautiful little things we take for granted everyday. its home and i may go away for a few years a decade at most but ill be home and home will hopefully be the house thats in shambles in alum creek with bo and d bag and a dog. :) hes my everything and id be content to spend a normal life with him because together- were anything but normal especially by then.
i owe so much to him and hell never knwo whats hes done for me and in a way im so grateful for whatever this relationship brings me ultimately... i have a feeling utter heartbreak is what im going to walk away with... but itll be worth it. i couldnt ask for someone else. he has imperfections but thats what makes him so perfect. when things are good they just make so much sense and nothing could hurt us and even when theyre bad... i still have this layer of love and devotion for him no matter how much i want to break his face haha... its always there nagging at me and reminding me hes bo and he has my heart in his hand. ive never experienced that before... wher ei can be mad at him or hurt by him but be ok with it cause i know i love him and it doesnt matter. all the others i never really cared about and i know that now.
everywhere i look there are reminders of him and thats a big reason why if we did end it then id constantly be forced with him. there are so many things now that just have BO in them and on them. like the random roll of toilet paper under my desk... the empty grape soda cans on the desk... the gum balls stuck to my wall... the scarf in the floor... all the greatful dead downloaded on my computer... the kictehn counter... the brown leaves outside... everytime i see a pond now ill think of him... everytime i see a frisbee i think of him... just hes attached to me in so many ways now that theres no way i could wash myself of him even if i wanted to.
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[Monday
October 30th, 2006 ] |
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immortal technique you never know |
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i went to see rucca and had a good time... ill have pics soon.
i love my boyfriend- he makes everything fall into place and just feel balanced. there are far too many signs and far too much deja vue for what we have to not mean anything (even if it all falls apart- then it was meant to do so from the beginning and i learned more with him i could ever have asked for) but it seems like we are constantly going back and forth from one extreme to the next. he has the power to make me bubbly and not able to keep my mouth shut and just... so happy to in a second making me reserved and quiet and nervous. i couldnt ask for anyone to love me more-though itd be nice for things to be more... i dont know the word im looking for... just something easier maybe.
he really is everything i could ever hope for- hes not a bad guy we just dont tend to understand each other sometimes and lately i think we dont get each other at all. i hope that changes soon cause i like knowing him and understanding every part of him. i just hope he knows that i love him and i meant it when i told him that all the bad things from the past relationships weve been into should be building blocks on what NOT to do now and to try and interven to fix them- not to sabotage it to be like "HA i told you this wasnt real... this happened AGAIN." i really think its building blocks and growing experiences.
he hasnt returned any of my IMs... and its been 35 or 40 minutes and he just went idle... i dont know whats going on anymore.
i just know i love him and i bit my nails way to short again. and i like my new bag. a lot.
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[Thursday
October 26th, 2006 ] |
so i just had a three hour long AIM fight with my boyfriend because:
he doesnt understand why im not okay with him hanging out with his CRAZY ex girlfriend. who still loves him... three years later.
yeah. am i crazy for that not being alright?
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[Tuesday
October 17th, 2006 ] |
i am still bitterly disappointed by the new ben kweller cd. disappointed is a bland word for what i feel for it.
however- studio pics of hanson should in theory mean new cd right? i hope so-- wow i think zac finally grew into his face. wow. hes... wow.
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| this unlikley pair |
[Saturday
October 7th, 2006 ] |
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of montreal- dirty dustin hoffman needs a bath |
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weird seeing ricky and sean without everyone else- i enjoyed being able to see them and have a good time, and bo went with me. i like when he goes with me to my friends, it's nice to know i can mix friends and my boyfriend. with other boyfriends it was impossible to do it and resulted in me having no one but him which was awful and kind of lead to the downfall of everything. OOOHHH but ricky is going with me (and hopefully bo) to athens at the end of the month. i can not begin to express how just completely excited i am about this trip... i think it'll mark something for me and rucca and probably bo as well. sort of like a coming of age thing. it HAS to be fanastic there are no other options at this point.
something that i can't put into words happened to me last night. maybe it was the first cold night of the fall... maybe it was the blue full moon... maybe it was the fact it was where it was and that place is special to me for whatever reason... maybe something just clicked in a way it hadn't before. but i think it goes without saying that now- i know what it's like to not have control over myself anymore... to be able to hold anything back or let any walls show, and in a way, im glad. but last night was more than i could have ever asked for. never have i felt so calm and safe as i did on the bridge with the orange industrial lights to my right, the green football field to my left and the crystal night sky in front of me and just having him there made everything seem so right, so right where it should be. the blue light was exactly the light i needed to see him in to understand, that this is my life and my future is him. i can't say i've ever been happier because i haven't and i know that i probably won't be. we grew last night together i think, or at least i grew to him and can't explain the way it shook me and enveloped me. the train in the background, the crickets and you and me :) he just has to know that no one could ever make me feel this in tact and at one with not only myself but with him. i think he understands that im different from the others and that this is real and not a facade we orchestrated for whatever purpose. we have years to come and that alone makes falling sleep with a kitty and a pillow enough to go to bed feeling warm and loved. i really can only hope that everyone either has experienced this, is expericing it, or will because to me this is pretty much what i think life is all about and the degree of just utter joy and security i feel i can't imagine ever being without and it's hard to think i had to for so long. everyone deserves this and i cant help but realize exactly what i owe rucca for all this. which is a lifetime.
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| instant pleasure |
[Wednesday
September 27th, 2006 ] |
ive been all about rufus lately- its odd. appearantly the speakers in the car went out.
ian took the car so that means no gym... and i feel DISGUSTING caus eive gained back like 5 pounds of the weight i lost. i guess its back to eatting at home and grnaola bars when i go to school... and maybe itll work again. and hopefully the gym sometimes.
i had a weird instance at school with a boy. it was strange but it made me feel decent about myself haha.
i burnt my mouth on soup cause im impatient and ate most of it while it was WAY too hot.
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[Tuesday
September 26th, 2006 ] |
so yeah. pictures.
yeah my weekend was... different. but not in such a terrible way.
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[Monday
September 25th, 2006 ] |
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ugh. that is all.
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[Friday
September 22nd, 2006 ] |
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trying to find drugs for people isnt any fun- not to mention i dont know who to call anymore... drugs that i dont even do anymore makes it worse. ugh.
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[Thursday
September 21st, 2006 ] |
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adjectives to describe me today:
stressed
anxeious
annoyed
mean
sorry
poor
medicore
social
full
smiling
infatuated
i had a weird day- missed two classes, took two tests, drove a LOT, i saw erica... it was nice. though odd cause i didnt knwo what to do or say, i miss her though... went with ian to wal mart and southenr kitchen... came home to find bo who left me a sweet note but i cam ehome as he was finishing it and leaving. and then bill showed up. its been weird.
and i realized why i feel so weird and in between of things. i usually find new interest when im like this but... i realized i normally find a group of people that i call my friends around this point... usually a whole new groip of friends... and i dotn see where that would happen this time. i really need a core group of people- i miss that feeling so much. i need friends... or old ones or even old groups. id like to have everything feel alright again and to have friends who did things that i was included in. i miss being included i think mostly. a new group would make me feel awesome right now... i want inclusion.
oh and per usual. i love bo- even if hes crazy (about me).
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| i smell like a hippie- thank you bo. |
[Wednesday
September 20th, 2006 ] |
so i have a test at 11- i havent even looked at anything. ill be happy with a C on it... and i have another one at 230... the same goes for it. i suck.
my birthday was pretty good. bo stayed here til like 630 in the morning and i had one of the best nights in years with him, it was genuine and perfect and i couldnt have asked for anything better than what we shared last night. it was just so incredible and it makes me happy to know that things are going full force again as if all this turmoil hasn't been going on. but he came back at 10 and we napped and he made me breakfast and gave me my presents... a painting which i just completely adore- it captures thingds about both of us in it perfectly. and i assigned him a present for christmas :X AND he made me the sweetest little song. it made me gush. he tends to do that a lot lately. and then i went to sleep while he went to "class" (i really have no idea what he did) and then i went to budget and SA to see some friend si hadnt seen in awhile and then other plans fell through... and then bo came back and we watched heathers. it was a good evening. however, it made me realize i need friends who do things outside of their houses or mine. cause when he sout with his friends- what am i going to do?
i want to thank the crazy amoutn of people who messaged/text/called/imed me happy birthday. it means a LOT to me. :) i love you guys.
i hope my rucca is okay and realizes shes an fantastic girl with much to offer any SANE guy. she just has to let her to do it and ignore what people say to her about it.
it's weird to look back on this past year and all the people and incidences in it... how just completely out of my element i feel in most cases regarxding the last year or so. so many people have come in and out of it and left lasting impressions on it forever. ive met some critical people that i will ever be involved with who will leave me with so many memories and so much experience. i want to thank you for what youve done to me and for me. each of you. you should know who you are. i couldnt ask for anyone to ever love me more than some of you do.
fall is such a gorgeous time... its just so full of life and vibrance. i think its the sky that makes me feel so completly disconnected from myself and my reality when i realize just how bright it is and blue... such a rich blue.
i smell good and i dont wanna study. maybe i need a hobby or something. i dont know. im just kinda glad my nervous breakdown is over and my anxeity is taking a side step... things are kinda easier with it gone. oh and theres pictures in this one.
god shes gorgeous- i miss my rucca so much :(
i. love. him. i cant express that enough. ever.
god- i love my friends and boyfriend. i miss rucca... so much. fuck. :(
oh and because i thought this picture was just FANTASTIC and made me melt into a puddle of goo-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA "taylor, you fuck too much." i love you booooooooooooooooo.
but seriously. i dont think ive seen a picture of taylor in years (well or even in person for that matter) where hes looked just so... complete and happy and im SO happy hes finally smiling again. after seeing that and just instantly being like "AWWWWWWWWW." i hope that i can have someone that ecstatic over his children and family as he seems to be in that picture. i really think thats one of the things i want out of life- to see my husband (or long term boyfriend... or whatever) just beam like that over his kids... ill be complete at that point i think. however- samuel river is a strange name.
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| a class act idea. |
[Sunday
September 17th, 2006 ] |
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so i should be doing school work- but ill wait and study on tuesday the day before the tests... caus ei dont plan on doing much tuesday til the evening. and i should be putting up clothes. i may make it that far somewhere in about 3 hours.
alasha and i talked and we have a FANTASTIC idea. it includes 9/03. 9/19. and 11/08-- only in mid 10. haha. we thought since im not having a party... shell be in ohio for hers and bo's wasn't what he was expecting maybe we could have a joint birthday bash in october. for all 3 of us- in the middle and kinda try to meet in the middle and to fix things that may have been disshelved ove rthe course of the past few months. with all our friends and maybe have a second try at having a GOOD birthday party for mr. bo. but i think this is a wonderful idea... and more will be posted on the subject but if youre on my friends list youre invited. and if you know all 3 of us- then youre not just welcomed-- youre expected to be there.
<3
pictures later.
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| quiche! |
[Sunday
September 17th, 2006 ] |
its whats for dinner! its yummy.
i think once i get my bills caught up or something ill be better... bills have me a nervous wreck for some reason and if my mom will pay my phone bill from now until forever. thatd be ideal.
my birthday is tuesday and im trying to get some friends to go out with me tomorrow night. itd be great if you guys could make it. even the ones that i havent spoke to in months.. .itd be awesome especially if we could make ammends. or if you want- spend tuesday with me.. i have tests to study for but id like the break from everyone if they could stop by or do something with me.
this weekend has felt a lot more like kristen... the last 5 days have been immensly better for me. i must say though that friday night was fantastic. i saw rucca and we drank a box (a whole box yes between us) in the volvo at uc... and went on a mission that we failed but we did succeed in seeing cindy lou : ) and then i met her friends and they seem nice. and i came home... and it wasnt so bad. im just glad im pseudo normal now. and hopefully not stuck here all night... given theres stuff i could do that i need to do here but id rather be gone.
stupid ciggerettes. i miss rucca already.
oh and ill post pics tonight or tuesday <3
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x_dig_me_x's journal
contemplative
HAHA. yes. 
holy crap i love rucca. 
